I have been back in the Leeds Royal Infirmary as my operation site had become slightly infected and I was suffering with really bad head pain. After a few days care back on Ward L25 I’m all sorted again.
If you need your faith in humanity restored, a stay under the care of the NHS will do it. The team here in Leeds are amazing, professional, fun, friendly and caring. Even at stupid o’clock in the morning
Just waiting to be discharged and head home. This part always seems to take so long.
I’m too buzzing from the elation of my operation being done and being able to come home to sleep so I wanted to get my post op thoughts recorded in the hope that it might help me to drift off to sleep!
I hope you enjoy it! Stu x
MIDNIGHT ON THE MENS WARD:
It’s not always easy to get your recovery sleep in as the snores and other assorted low frequency noises rumble around the ward like thunder on the African savanna! I
t can be a little bit like those BBC wildlife documentarys about Africa in the dark, complete with little animal howls of men pain! The observations tablets computer screens provide an authentic blue light like a bright African full moon.
Well after a rethink, I have launched the podcast again. No Spotify playlist integration, just an old school relaxed chat about living with a brain tumour diagnosis.
If you would like to hear it, the new episode is available on Spotify and Amazon Music and sometime tomorrow will be on Apple and Google podcasts. just search on the podcast app for ‘The Brain Tuner’.
Stu x
Run fat boy, run!
A moment on the lips…..
One thing that I remember being told time and time again was that as I got older I needed to get my fitness back. When I was young, I was definitely guilty of taking my health for granted, after all in my late teens and early twenties I could party on a school night and still cope with work the next day. I often worked at the Little Theatre Leicester until very late into the night, with no concerns as to how I would get up for work the following day.
By the time I reached my early twenties, I had been working backstage for years and mainly on the fly rail. For the uninitiated, the fly rail is where scenery (typically large cloth backings) are hung and lowered into position on ropes for each scene change as required. Modern professional theatres have what is called a ‘counterweighted grid’, the grid being the huge metal structure that holds the pulleys and ropes that the cloths are flown on. Counterweighting means that a single fly person can raise and lower the huge cloths easily. The Little Theatre Leicester did not have a counterweighted grid, which meant we built tremendous upper body strength by having to lift the full weight of the cloths often on our own.
Did I appreciate this? Of course not! In the same way that I didn’t appreciate the joys of being young and slim despite eating kebabs every Saturday, between the matinee and evening shows and drinking Ruddles County most evenings between scene changes. This situation was made worse during performances of Grand Opera, which usually only had one scene change at the interval, giving lot’s of time for playing cards and drinking beer.
Me in the middle slobbing around on set at Leicesters Little Theatre with Nigel (left) and my oldest friend Andy (right)
My time at the Little Theatre came to an end as my career in Sales began and with it came the end of ‘slim Stu’ because with the career, came business lunches, business dinners and on the go snacks! My Sales career started in the mid 80’s which was the era when petrol stations moved from selling just fuel and fan belts and became mini supermarkets. This was a problem for me as this now meant that when I paid for petrol there was a huge display of chocolate by the till, and I LOVE chocolate. After a while this earned me the nick name ‘The Confectionary Kid’ from my then manager due to the high chocolate to fuel ratio on the receipts submitted with my expense claims!
Over the years my weight went up and down and I discovered that I can gain and lose weight really quickly, so any periods of self control or dieting produced quick results but even short lapses reversed all the good work. Diets just don’t work as a long term solution for me. I’ve always hated being the classic paunchy business man, but have really struggled with the self control to change things and I am also a comfort eater, so each time I have gone through periods of stress (which in sales is common) I turn to the naughty treats for consolation. I guess this is what leads to the stereotype of the business man dropping dead from a heart attack on the squash court.
I joined my last employer back in 2011 and that job came with private medical care which offered an annual health check, so in 2011, I found myself at the BUPA health clinic in Solihull, sitting in a track suit in the waiting room with a banana, feeling very righteous. A nurse took bloods and measurements before I was introduced to my Doctor for the morning, who was a lovely chap but was very overweight, more so than me.
He briefed me on the VO2 Max test that I was about to take and I was then taken off and wired up to a heart monitor and put on an exercise bike with which they tortured me to get my heart rate up to 90% of it’s maximum rate. After this test, what was left of me was taken back into my Doctor’s office for a review of the day. We looked through the results and then the Doctor sat back in his chair and having given me advice on being obese and unfit, he patted his big tummy and said “I realise that I am not setting a good example, my wife is such a good cook, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not good advice”!
For the following 7 years I made this annual pilgrimage to Solihull to be told officially that I was a fat git, and the last straw was when I was sitting in the waiting area with my banana when the Doctor from my first visit came in. The bastard had lost weight! He spotted me, patted his now flat tummy and said “I’ve laid down the gauntlet Mr Hannah”. How could he do that to me!
A fatter me in action giving a training session. (That is a robot arm that I am drawing not a willy!)
This now meant that I had to do something as my last excuse was gone. Around the same time our kids had taken up running and participated in Parkrun in particular. Parkrun for those who don’t know, is an organised run in local parks around the world, where you run 5K and get an official time. It’s wonderful because it is a social as well as a sporting event and all abilities can take part. Now, apart from the occasional swim, neither my wife nor I did any exercise, so running 5K (3 miles) was a massive challenge, so how were we to start. we were introduced to an app from the NHS called ‘Couch to 5K’, which should take you from zero to hero in 9 weeks.
Our first Parkrun was accidental, we had registered and had decided to run/walk the route but not take part in the actual Parkrun, however as we got ready to run, we were standing by the tail walkers (they walk the route to make sure that all participants are back at the finish line before the event is officially over and that no one is last) who, once we explained what we were doing, laughed and told us to get running and stop making excuses. We were so glad that they gently bullied us into starting as we really enjoyed it. As I write we have done around 34 Parkruns and still loving it, and we have even run a 10k in New Zealand in the ‘Round The Bays’ charity run in Wellington.
We downloaded and installed the app, chose our coach (Jo Wiley), bought some running gear and headed off out on our first session. This consisted of a 5 minute warm up walk followed by 60 seconds running, 90 seconds walking etc to reach 8 minutes running in total. How hard can it be we asked each other? Bloody hard as it turned out. After our first 60 second jog we found ourselves leaning on a fence gasping like a goldfish that had jumped out of its bowl! We finished the session absolutely knackered and really wondered if this was going to work. 9 weeks later we could run for over half an hour reaching 5K without stopping, not fast but at least we could do it without fear of cardiac arrest, it was amazing and we were hooked.
My problem is still weight. BUPA explained to me that you can be fit and overweight at the same time and they could see that my fitness had improved drastically but I was still carrying too much weight. This is still my on-going challenge although I have made some progress since my brain tumour diagnosis.
Fitness and Positivity Got Me Through.
Retirement was just getting underway when I got my diagnosis of brain tumours and despite COVID19 lockdowns pausing Parkrun, we kept up with our running and did our best to maintain our fitness throughout the lockdowns. Typically, I was feeling really well when we got the news and I do think that being fitter put me in a better place mentally but I also knew that the operation would set me back, as I would be laid up recovering for quite a while. Also, having two different types of tumour, meant having two operations with recovery in between, so it was sadly not a one off interruption of our fitness regime.
I was reassured to hear from both my Neurosurgeons that the fact that I was keeping myself fit was going to help me to cope with the operations and the recovery afterwards. I have talked to fellow warriors on the Brain Tumour Charity Facebook groups about how different people with different symptoms manage their fitness, after all, for me I had progressing symptoms but up until the first operation to remove Marty the meningioma, none of my symptoms had yet stopped me running.
I have been inspired by the ingenuity of people to overcome the restrictions their tumour placed on them. Some run like me, others walk or swim and many do as much as their body will allow or cope with but in every case, we all agreed that keeping fit, in what ever way you can made us feel better able to cope with the physical and mental challenges of what we all have to go through.
That brings us to the other way that we can keep healthy even when our bodies resist and that is to improve and protect our mental health. In previous posts I have discussed my belief in Stoicism so I won’t go over that again suffice to say that this was the tool that I used to strengthen my resolve to survive and fight. Call it what you will, Stoicism, positivity or sheer stubbornness, keeping your mind focussed on positive thoughts, focussing on the things that we can control as we go through the hospital system and undergo whatever treatment we need is vital. We didn’t choose to have brain tumours but we can choose how to react to whatever comes our way. Therefore, even if you are not able to do any physical fitness training, time spent on mental well being can be just as beneficial in my belief.
In place of a gym maybe look at taking up the offers of counselling and look at this as the gym for your mind. One thing I believe after discussing the subject with other warriors is that we cannot afford to let negativity take hold as this can undermine a positive outcome or even ruin any time we have left for those of us for who victory over our tumours is impossible.
Somehow I managed to run up to the view point of Mount Victoria, in Wellington NZ without hospitalising myself!
So if you are starting or already on your brain tumour journey but feel you are struggling to cope, try something, anything to get out and about in the fresh air and exercise in whatever way you can. Just put one foot in front of the other and go, walk, run whatever you can manage, even if you can only get to the garden gate, if that is a challenge then the gate is your finish line and your success.
Stu x
The Brain Tumour charity has been a great help to me since my diagnosis. They have a podcast which is always of interest to people with tumours and their families and also have the ‘Brian App’ ( yep that is spelt correctly, it is ‘Brian’) which offers advice and the ability to track your symptoms, appointments and treatments.
How Near Death Experiences Change Your Perspective.
In Yorkshire there is an expression “Is he being buried with ham”?, in other words is there going to be a wake? I’ve decided that when I do go I’m going “up t’chimney” but my family are only allowed to send me off with ham if they promise that it will be an opportunity for laughing about all the dumb things that I have done throughout my life.
There have now been two occasions when they very nearly needed to put an order in for the ham.
Thinking that you’ve had it gives great clarity to life.
It’s interesting to me how a near death experience changes your whole perspective on life. When it comes to my two brain tumours it started with a very vague diagnosis of “you have two tumours but we don’t know what they are”. Human nature immediately makes you assume the worst, maybe as a protection mechanism? As I write this blog entry, I am now one Tumour lighter with Marty the Meningioma gone and according to my Neurosurgeon the most dangerous operation is now out of the way.
We still don’t know for sure but it is still being assumed that Gary the Glioma is low grade in which case I should be good for a long time once most of him has been removed. This will mean regular MRI’s for the rest of my life but I don’t mind them and it will be an on-going excuse to have days out in Leeds and eat at Mowgli’s, nom!
The Creature from the Rather Pleasant Lagoon.
My first genuine near death experience was actually a diving accident that I had many years ago when on holiday in Cyprus with some friends and their kids. Cyprus is gorgeous and so was our hotel whose name escapes me and at the time was quite new. It sat on a cliff top looking over a beautiful lagoon which you accessed by some steps that were cut into a cliff wall.
It was a great holiday with lots of laughs including us all piling fully clothed into the pool on the last night party for no other reason than we were told not to. There was one exception to these fun filled days and nights, an incident that my wife and I played down at the time so as not to spoil the holiday.
After a couple of days of slobbing around in the sun I was woken from a snooze by the sound of activity in the pool which turned out to be a local SCUBA diving school. They were giving holiday makers the chance to try out diving in the safety of the pool with the hope that they would book a paid dive session in the lagoon. SCUBA diving was something that I had wanted to try for a long time so I skipped the tryout and just booked myself onto the next dive session.
Large Aquatic Mammals.
A couple of days later I found myself at the diving centre having a safety briefing about clearing water from your mask, understanding your gauges and other safety basics. We were only diving to 6 metres which didn’t seem too challenging and we were with a seasoned ex-military diver who was our instructor. After this it was time to put on our wetsuits and other gear. When I saw myself in the mirror I was somewhat disappointed to see that I looked more like an upright walrus than a brave explorer of the unknown depths.
Then as a group we waddled down to the waters edge like the oddest looking bunch of penguins ever seen and one by one followed our dive instructor into the sea following a blue guide line, each penguin disappearing under the waves with a surge of bubbles until it was my turn to follow them. Once under the surface, the weights that had been so cumbersome out of the water became helpful as they helped us to become buoyancy neutral and like all large aquatic blubbery mammals, I was far more graceful in the water than out of it.
It was wonderful down there. The water was clear and once we reached the sea bed we were allowed to disperse around the area a little and enjoy the freedom of being able to explore without needing to surface regularly to take a breath, I absolutely loved it. I found myself a sandy spot where I could sit and let the fish swim around me, it really was other worldly.
Eventually our time was up, we regrouped, swam back to the shallows and once again began our penguin waddle back to the diving centre.
I was absolutely buzzing when I got back to the hotel and couldn’t stop talking about the dive so when a few days later the dive instructor saw me by the pool and offered a one on one dive down a bit deeper to 12 metres I had no hesitation in saying yes.
Bad Omens & Bad Ideas.
I suppose that looking back, I should have heard little alarm bells ringing, when on the day of the second dive, my original experienced instructor was not available and was replaced by a newly qualified instructor. We travelled to another bay near the hotel that provided the deeper dive and were soon geared up and entering the sea.
The beginning of the dive was even more magical than the first dive but as we got further from the shore line the sea current began to get stronger, which for an inexperienced diver was unnerving and before long, visibility began to reduce rapidly and I realised that we had lost sight of the blue guide rope that marked the route back if we wanted to stay submerged.
My instructor had obviously realised this too and he gave me the hand signal to wait in position as he swam off, presumably to look for the rope so as not to spoil the dive by making us swim back on the surface. This was his big mistake, leaving someone on only their second dive alone.
The minutes ticked past with me alone in the murky green fog of the turbulent water and I realised that he had no chance of finding me with that level of visibility. I also noticed that my air supply was getting low as with such a short dive planned, we only had single air tanks. I decided to surface as I guessed that in the end he would do the same. As I surfaced, I instinctively removed my regulator from my mouth, This was my big mistake! Being buoyancy neutral for diving meant that I was lower in the water than a normal swimmer would be when treading water and as I removed the regulator and took a breath I was hit in the face by a wave and inhaled a lung full of sea water. The shock of this caused me to react by flipping backwards away from the water but this action along with the weight of an air tank on my back took me just under the surface of the water laying on my back like an upturned turtle and I breathed in more sea water.
I was in big trouble.
The water inhalation triggered a panic reflex that an experienced diver would not have had and of course an experienced diver would have never gotten themselves into a position like this in the first place. I was now unable to recover myself and was without doubt drowning. If you’ve ever thought about the moment of your death, you might hope that your last thought would be of your family or something profound but mine was ‘what a stupid way to die’.
At that moment a pair of hands pushed me upright, my instructor had found me. He then swam around to my front and inflated my buoyancy vest (something an experienced diver would have done for themselves in the first place upon surfacing) and finally put my regulator back into my mouth to get some oxygen into me, but not before I had choked up a large amount of sea water. He made me rest until I had calmed down and then we made our way back into shore, although I was so exhausted by the accident that he had to tow me some of the way back.
Something is up with you!
As we drove back to the hotel neither of us said much. He looked like he was in shock and was probably thinking that he would never teach again. We both made mistakes but mine was the kind of mistake that proper PADI dive training would drill out of you through repetitious practice. His mistake was to overestimate both my fitness and capabilities.
I decided not to tell my family and friends about what had happened so plonked myself on a sun bed and announced how great it was, apparently not very convincingly and after 17 years of marriage my wife, Andrea, could tell that something was wrong. She forced a confession out of me later when we were alone but agreed that we shouldn’t tell the others.
Reconsidering my priorities.
For the rest of the holiday I couldn’t help but think a great deal about what so nearly happened. I had always wanted to be able to lay flat on a flight but in the hold in a bodybag was definitely not what I had in mind. How would my wife and kids have coped with losing me and how would their life be?
These thoughts eventually gave way to thoughts about my life so far and what was important to me now and what wasn’t, after it so nearly ending. I started to become more aware that many things that I had treated as priorities were important simply because society said that they should be, chasing promotion and money for example. But the accident had so nearly deprived me of the things that truly mattered such as my wife, kids, family and friends.
No one will build a statue of me and I don’t care.
I also began to spend time thinking about what I had and had not achieved in my life. It seems to me that people often find themselves worrying about not being remembered, not making their mark. It’s why so many chase fame in a desperate bid to be ‘someone’, but just think about how many have enjoyed brief fame only to be unable to cope with the obscurity of normal life that followed. Even those who find fame and are not forgotten don’t benefit in any way from it after their death and how much did they sacrifice to achieve this fame.
Stoicism teaches that life is for living now, what is the point of sacrificing everything for fame and fortune just to end up alone and paranoid about losing your fame as so many so called celebrities do? The Stoics have an expression ‘Memento Mori’ which translates as ‘Remember that you (have to) die’. This is not intended to be morbid, it is intended to be a kick up the backside to get on with life as you do not have time to waste.
As part of my reflection after the diving accident, I became fascinated with how brief and small a human life is on a universal scale. This lead me to understand that while my presence and disappearance will go unnoticed by the world, I really don’t care because in my little corner of the universe I do matter to the people who matter to me.
I will undoubtably never have a statue erected to me but do you honestly think that Nelson, Churchill or Wellington know or care that they have been somehow immortalised as a granite pigeon toilet.
There is a great line at the end of the movie ‘Star Trek Generations’, a movie very much about growing old and legacy, spoken by the character Captain Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) “What we leave behind is not as important as how we’ve lived.” This line really resonated with me and fitted in with the new attitude to life that I had after the accident. Time with the people I love and care about was the most valuable thing that I could have because, it is inevitably going to end, so it is to be treasured.
Legacy is not that important.
For anybody worrying that they have not made a difference or will be forgotten after their death just remember that in a few billion years even Einstein will likely be forgotten. Egyptian society lasted for 3,000 years, longer than Christianity has existed and yet only a tiny number of even the most rich, famous and powerful of them are remembered.
My advice, for what it’s worth, is to remember that not everyone can change the world but you still matter to those who know you. Enjoy life to the maximum that you are able. Today matters and tomorrow is unknown.
As my accident and my tumours have taught me, life could be over much sooner than we expect and tomorrow is definitely not guaranteed so why waste today?
PS: My wife never let me go diving ever again.
PPS: I will definitely be buried with ham!
Stu x
The Brain Tumour Charity
The Brain Tumour charity has been a great help to me since my diagnosis. They have a podcast which is always of interest to people with tumours and their families and also have the ‘Brian App’ ( yep that is spelt correctly, it is ‘Brian’) which offers advice and the ability to track your symptoms, appointments and treatments.
Operation number 2 cancelled for a second time. There is only one thing for it, a Wetherspoon’s breakfast and a curry tonight!
I’m not upset, I have got myself to a place where I am excited to get the operation done but equally since my Neurosurgeon doesn’t think it’s urgent then I am perfectly happy not be messed with for a bit longer.
“A pint of cobra and a madras for me please buddy”
Stu x
Well I have a new date for my Craniotomy but I’m keeping it to myself this time. Everyone is so kind and supportive that I can’t bring myself to make a big announcement and waste everyone’s kindness and emotional energy.
Just going to announce when it’s done, and from reading posts on The Brain Tumour Charity site from fellow warriors, I could have another three attempts at this so I’m going to have a think about where my next post cancellation drinks will be 👍
Stu x
Conquering fear with knowledge.
As I approached my first operation to remove one of my two brain tumours, there was so much that I didn’t know about what would be happening to me that my immediate reaction was fear. By the time that my operation day came I was able to be calm, cheerful in fact ( something that I have discussed in earlier posts).
I have mentioned before that finding Stoicism was a huge help but it wasn’t the only thing that helped. The other discovery that I made was the power of knowledge over fear. I read somewhere about the belief that many of our fears (operations, flying, dentists etc.) come from a fear of the unknown, a lack of knowledge about what is happening or going to happen.
Be afraid, be very afraid!
The first big fear in my life that I had to conquer was a fear of flying. I actually thought that I loved flying when I first flew in 1985 (the year I got married) when I had the chance to travel to Malta for a product launch. On the outbound trip someone else in the group offered to drive the minibus to the airport, which meant that I could drink with the rest of the group, so it was a slightly squiffy Stuart that boarded the plane. I loved the thrill of take off, the beauty of the blue sky when we were above the clouds and the amazing views of Malta when we were on approach to land.
For the return trip, I was volunteered to be the driver when we arrived back, as I was the youngest and therefore would be the least tired (apparently) when we got back to Heathrow. This meant that I didn’t drink before the flight. My experience of flying this time was horrific, take off was terrifying and as we banked to set course for home I felt like we were going to fall backwards out of the sky despite the fact that in reality we were probably already moving forward at over 180 miles per hour.
This was now a problem as within a couple of months I would be flying to Italy for our honeymoon, so on top of the terror of the Grooms speech, I was now quietly stressing about the flight. Our wedding day arrived and as amazing as it was, the Grooms Speech nearly made me throw up! These days some Grooms refuse to make a speech and I don’t blame them. Then came the flight to Italy for the Honeymoon. As expected it was awful and I had to quietly zone out to remove myself from the situation (my coping mechanism for flying that I used for a good few years) as I didn’t want to spoil the excitement for my gorgeous new wife.
I have never let my fear of flying stop me from travelling anywhere but it spoilt the start and end of many family holidays. I somehow managed to hide my fear from our kids as I didn’t want them to be scared too.
Never show weakness, especially to your friends.
Some people especially male friends can be pretty merciless when they discover your weaknesses and on one business trip in the late 1980’s a large group of us toured France in order to visit all of the production facilities of the company that we worked for. Every damn take off was accompanied by lots of faux screaming about crashing….bastards!
I did get some justice though on one of these mates. Chris and I decided to go up the Eiffel Tower on one of our free days, so we took the two lifts to the main viewing platform. I walked out and looked out over Paris (through the anti jump mesh of course) and said something to Chris about the view but got no reply. When I turned to see where he was, all that I could see were the tips of his fingers gripping the door frame and Chris’s eyes peering out.
I wandered back over to him and asked what was wrong “I can’t come out, I just can’t” he replied which made me let out a loud laugh, “so you’re Mr brave when it comes to flying but you’re scared of this. At least this is bolted to the ground!” I never let him forget that.
Becoming a frequent flyer
As my career progressed I was required to fly with increasing frequency so I decided that I needed to somehow conquer this fear of flying. I researched everything that I could about flying, how airliners are flown, what the procedures are that pilots follow when on flights, and instead of zoning out with some music, I listened to the aircraft, to what noises they made, when in a flight to expect them and what they were. With my growing knowledge & familiarity I felt the fear steadily reducing until I suddenly realised that I was now actually enjoying the experience and I was now one of the relaxed people chilling in departures.
With this new found knowledge I would find myself grinning like a big kid as the flight crew pushed the engines to full thrust for take off and you got that kick in the pants as the brakes came off. The thrill of watching the world whizz by and that amazing feeling of freedom from ordinary life as the aircrafts nose pitches up and begins its climb into the sky, fantastic. I wasn’t even bothered the time when just after push back at Copenhagen airport we had to pause on the apron to let an engineer on board who after some rather alarming hammering cleared us to take off and no one wants their aeroplane fixed with a hammer!
Another thing that I discovered as I transitioned from a scared flyer to someone who loves it is that you can easily forget what it is like to be scared of it. On another trip to Denmark with a work colleague I noticed my good mate Phil gently tapping his finger on the underside of the tray table in front of him. When he saw me notice this, he explained that he had seen someone, about his fear of flying and one of the coping methods they had taught him was this tapping under the table so he could subconsciously feel that he was in fact keeping the aircraft in the air. I thought it was a great idea but a few minutes later I completely forgot our conversation. In my excitement about a low approach over Copenhagen I blurted out “Wow look at that view, we are really low” Phil gave me a dark look, started tapping his finger frantically on the tray table again and replied with a curt “no thanks”, I can be such an insensitive doof sometimes!
On yet another flight to Copenhagen I discovered that another of my colleagues, Reetu, was not a great flyer. The final approach into Copenhagen’s Kastrup Airport is over open water leading to the North Sea on one side and the Baltic Sea on the other so is frequently windy as you can imagine. On this flight it was a day when it was extremely windy on approach and on the route from Birmingham to Kastrup, it is normal with SAS airlines to fly on a reasonably small plane, the Bombardier CRJ900 with only two seats on either side of the aisle.
As we descended I looked across at Reetu who was gripping the arms of her seat and looked very alarmed. What she couldn’t see was that we were approaching the runway threshold almost sideways on, something that I could see through the window on her side of the plane. As usual with that kind of landing, the pilot flying waited until the last moment before lining up the aircraft with the runway and cutting power. We hit the ground with a loud bump and Reetu looked very pleased to be down!
Big Bird
Without question, my favourite aircraft is the enormous Airbus A380, a double decked beast that makes a Boeing 747 look small. We have flown on A380’s many times on our trips to New Zealand, both with Emirates and Qantas. One flight that I especially remember was on an Emirates A380, flying the last 7 hour hop from Dubai to Birmingham. We left New Zealand basking in summer sunshine but back in the UK it was the depths of winter and a huge snow storm had blanketed the UK.
As we crossed the English coast our pilot announced that we were in a holding pattern over the south of England to give Birmingham Airport time to clear the runway of snow but not to worry as we had plenty of fuel and plenty of coffee. After about 20 minutes I felt the plane accelerate but the pilot immediately made another announcement that the good news was that we could land but the bad news was that we were being diverted to Manchester Airport. This was a real pain as Birmingham is a two hour drive from Manchester especially in bad weather and of course our damn car was in Birmingham, so we would all be put in taxis for a terrifying high speed drive on a snow covered M6. Although Manchester Airports’ runway was still open, the weather was appalling and I warned my wife that our landing could be a bit rough. When it comes to flying my wife always used to be the confident one but now it is her that gets worried and my little announcement didn’t help.
Despite her size, our A380 was bouncing around like a toy and in another moment of classic Stuart insensitivity, I had my ‘In Flight Entertainment’ screen set to view the CCTV camera mounted in the planes tail fin. This unfortunately gave a perfect view of the runway lights which were jumping around the screen as the plane bounced around on our approach. There were a lot of nervous looking people on that plane (apart from me sitting there with my inane grin on my face) and my wife was now holding hands with the woman sat next to her that she had not met before the flight.
We slowly descended and after a while I realised that not only should we have landed by now, I could also hear the sound of the engines spooling back up. “I think we are going around again” I said, which did not cheer my wife and her new buddy up one bit. Sure enough we heard the loud clunk of the wheels retracting as the nose of the plane finally pitched up and the huge machine began to climb back into the sky. I calmly pointed out that the pilot will not put us at risk and go arounds are no big deal. In fact we have landed many times in Windy Wellington (NZ) and not had to go around despite this being commonplace for Wellington Airport.
We came in again (with my screen off) and this time the pilot nailed it and there was a cheer from some passengers as the wheels touched down. I never doubted the pilot for a second.
How I learned to love flying
So how have I gone from gripping the seat arms wetting myself to enjoying rough landings in a blizzard? Knowledge, that is the secret.
I knew that flying was always going to be a part of my life, both because of my work demands and because of having a daughter (and now Grandkids) living in New Zealand, so I set about learning every aspect that I could about flying an airliner. I watched endless take off and landing videos on Youtube (there are actually channels for this) and watched Aircrash Investigators on TV, this might sound odd but you soon realise how safe flying is, by the long time gaps between major incidents. I once saw an episode about a Boeing 747 which tumbled about 22,000 feet before the crew recovered it and landed. If they can survive that you know that you are safe.
Also there is the blindingly obvious fact that neither the flight crew or cabin crew would go to work every day if they thought for one second that they wouldn’t come home! Apart from lifts, flying is the safest way to travel, safer than cars by a country mile.
So what has this got to do with brain tumours?
When I got the call from my GP to say that an MRI had found two brain tumours, I couldn’t help but be stunned by this news. In that first call they couldn’t even tell me what tumours I had. We found ourselves sitting quietly, trying to take it all in, the news that changed our lives. I do remember feeling very calm the next morning. My wife and I sat quietly sipping our morning coffee together. She asked me how I felt and to be honest I had got my mind into a place of acceptance, that if this is the beginning of the end, then I feel that I have been lucky enough to have had a good life. I worried, not for me, but for her and our children but I took comfort in knowing that our adult kids are well equipped to stand on their own and that they would be there for my wife.
I’ve written about my first consultations with my Neurosurgeons in an earlier blog but the key thing that we did was ask a lot of questions, the good, the bad and the ugly, so that we had as few surprises as possible. With the information that my surgeon provided I could approach my operation calmly.
I think that if I were asked for advice on how to cope I would say, take what you know and plan for your best life post operation. If the prognosis is terminal then you don’t have a moment to waste, you need to cram a lifetime into the time that you have. If the consequences of surgery and treatment are going to be life changing then get planning and get your plans in line with the predicted outcome rather than dwell on how unlucky you feel.
Focus on being adaptable and out-manoeuvring your enemy within, so that you can retain a feeling of control over your circumstances.
I have also blogged and discussed with other Tumour Warriors the subject of not letting your hospital become this fantasy chamber of horrors in your mind. Hospitals are staffed by people who just want the best outcome for you.
If you are on your brain tumour journey already or have just started, remember that old adage that ‘knowledge is power’. Not knowledge from Dr Google but from your Neurosurgeon, from NHS online resources if you are in the UK, from charities such as the Brain Tumour Charity and of course through groups of fellow warriors online. Arm yourself with knowledge and don’t be a victim of your tumour, be a survivor. Make a plan, work around the problem and focus on what you can control and maximise those aspects of your life. Try to find a way to accept that you can’t control everything so that the parts that you cannot change are just a part of your life now.
Your new life is boarding now.
With this knowledge and way of thinking you can let go of the fear and enjoy life’s ‘Long Haul Flight’ with positivity, gratitude for the good things that you still have in your life, however small, and laugh in the face of adversity.
It’s time to head to the departure lounge for your new life journey.
Stu x
It’s a strange feeling to be sent home from a cancelled operation, an anti climax that’s hard to describe. As the days and hours tick down to your operation (in my case a Craniotomy to remove a brain tumour) you expend a lot of energy trying to keep yourself together and still live your life even with this big event looming over you.
Those who’ve read my previous blogs know that I drone on endlessly about the benefits of Stoicism but it absolutely has helped me to deal with the build up and more importantly the big come down of being sent home with my unwelcome friend still in my head. Stoic thinking teaches that we accept that we cannot control events, only how we react, so I have not allowed myself to get down or angry.
No matter how Stoic you try to be though, the simple fact is that it’s exhausting staying calm and positive as you burn up nervous energy suppressing the little doubting voices that constantly try to sow doubt about the potential success of the procedure and of how you might be once it is done.
I have a lot of friends in the NHS, one very experienced friend pointed out that people who go into hospital with a positive and upbeat mental attitude do much better and have better outcomes than those who don’t, so all that energy spent on positivity is worth sacrificing in my view.
So it’s back to the waiting list and until the new date, trying to get on with life. It has really hit my wife hard as she was looking forward to me starting my recovery and hopefully leaving this period in our lives behind. She is feeling that life has once again gone on pause and with good reason.
I still have faith in my surgical team but maybe not so much faith in the funding and support that the NHS gets. The NHS is not the buildings, it’s the people. They and it’s patients deserve better than they are currently getting.
Stu
www.stuarthannah.com 